Unchanged

Larry emails wondering if Steven could have possibly died of Hodgkin's Disease and the AIDS was a mistake.

Steven's partner calls because Jackie's being ripped off by the guy who bought Steven's business (no big surprise).

Heidi calls because she thinks Steven's partner needs help, "Steven trusted you with money you know." "Heidi, he was demented for the last two years, it was doomed." I tell her.

The dancing queens want to know if Eve wants a makeover for some E! show. I try being polite and then explain to them that Hubby would kick their collective asses if they tart her up. She's only 8, I explain, they're exasperated and think we're nuts.

I agree to have cocktails at Rage Thursday night.

I can't bring myself to call the family, the blood family.

I am utterly stunned that history is rewriting itself.

He had AIDS, his brain was gobbled up by a retrovirus. He was a good man but not a saint and he kept secrets from all of you because apparently the truth is too fucking much to handle.

I'm not answering my phone any more.

Newsflash!

Steven died of AIDS.

You can read about it here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here

And finally he died.

Finally his frail old-before-its-time body quit on us all and Steven became free and young and unencumbered once again.

And I breathed a sigh of relief for him.

So you can imagine that in my daily life the word AIDS rolled off my lips with great frequency.

Here's the text message I got a moment ago:

Hi Housewife,
What number did you find Steven on?
Tell me something...
Steven, what was the cause of death?
I never asked about the illness?
Did Chloe figure out the probate?
I hope so...
When you have time....
Love
(an incredibly wonderful man)

And because I'm me I texted back:

AIDS
Probate is a long process, I'm uninvolved
If you need a martini with lunch please come over, I have a shaker.

And it appears I will have a lunch guest today.

I hope and pray he wasn't a lover of Steven's. I don't think I have it in me.

The good news is that he can blow dry my hair like nobody's business.

Ahh, for an hour I'll be a fag hag.

He's 43 and He's Dying

Steven is 43 years old and he's dying.

I was at the hospital with him and his partner last night for hours.

In December of 1992 we buried Dean's first love, Rrank. Frank was 35 at the time. He died from PCP Pneumonia. Frank's father spit on his grave and tried to kill Frank's first love who had, "led him down the path to Sodom..."

I'd heard about families like that before but I'd never seen one in action. I still don't have words for it.

Steven's eyes are still alive but everything else is failing him. Last night he made his will. He dictated it to me. I hope and pray his mother and his partner don't fight over anything. I don't want to be pulled into the middle more than I already am. I love them all and I pray that in their pain they are able to continue with goodness.

I'm numb all over.

He has AIDS, he had a heart bypass last winter and now Hodgkin's disease.

His stomach looks like a malnourished Ethiopian child, it's his liver poking out.

A little part of me dies when I walk into the hospital room. This will be my last friend that I lose at a ridiculously young age. His partner now is HIV negative and I love him very much. All of my AIDS friends have passed and Steven is walking the tightrope between life and death.

I hope the fall is quick and painless but because I know the look of death I see that it's not imminent and there is much pain and suffering on the horizon for Steven, for his mother, for his partner and all of us that love him.

I'm a 36 year old woman and I know how to arrange a funeral for many religions. I know that your eyes cloud over before AIDS takes you. I know that a kiss on the forehead is like the touch of an angel because no one else will touch someone with AIDS.

I know more than I want to know.

I'm frighteningly inarticulate. This is just awful. This is wrong.

I'm wondering why G-d would let a mother bury her son.