I have only a few goals today.
I want to purchase a pair of jeans that are comfortable and perhaps not super cute. This is the least likely of all goals to be attained. I realized that I don't own a comfortable pair of jeans but I'm okay with being shallow and looking good. I've reconciled that with myself many years ago.
(you see I'm already admitting defeat)
I want to visit Steven and his mother and show some of the strength that you all show in your comments.
I'm beginning to think that the comments are more insightful and interesting than the blog.
I want to stop clinging to my kids, they're starting to look at me funny.
Um, Mom, you usually only play Uncle Wiggly two times and then it's time to do something else.
Mom, it's okay, I can do this myself.
I'm not a helicopter mom (you know the one's that spin so many circles around their kids that the kids are dazed and confused from being perpetually surrounded by noise and light) but this experience is sending me there.
I will return to being the mother I once was. The mother who understands the blessing of a skinned knee, the mother who tells her son to buck up. The mother who loves them enough to let them grow without shadows looming over them.
I have not added the suspension of judgment to this list. I'm judgmental and it's served me well. Perhaps one day I'll be actualized enough to want to suspend judgment but today is not that day.
The goals are simple. The process may be riddled with pain but I know I can do it.
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2 comments:
Your present-day trauma has taken me back, and not in a distressing sort of way, to the time of Jim's death - as you'll see in my latest blahg. I keep remembering new details, not all of which are important, that help me look at that time more clearly. (Like anyone in the throes of grief, recalling it all - and making sense of it - seems like a drive through thick fog.
Hang in there. Jot me a note when you have a chance. I check back here compulsively and yet all I really need to know is that you're holding up okay.
Honest to G-d I knew I was going to relate to you when I saw the title of your blog :)
(((poh))
Kenn
In Buddhism, there is a saying, "washing dishes while washing dishes". Every movement we make is a meditation and a statement on our being. Judgement isn't always necessary at times like these, just awareness and compassion: which you seem to have an ample supply Housewife! Hang in there- take care of your kids and be yourself. You will be fine.
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