Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I'll Tell You Why I'm Pissed

If you've been reading much you'd see that I'm not really all that Pissed Off.

So what is the origin of the Pissed Off Housewife?

AIDS

AIDS pissed me off.

In October of 2006 I realized that my beloved Steven was on his way out. I spent October and November in a rage, sometimes a blind rage and I was desperate to not raise my children in a home filled with anger.

Hiding the rage seemed so important to me.

And Blogging was a good outlet. It never occurred to me that I'd have actual readers, I just wanted to scream about neglect and bouncing and bedsores. I wanted to remind G-d that we still don't have a cure for AIDS and ask why has he forgotten us?

But I now realize that he's never forgotten me and Steven is lovingly wrapped in his arms.

During the slow and agonizing loss of Steven my Mother In Law was diagnosed with Lymphoma, she received the same treatment that my Father had just a few years before.

The Cancer Club. It's a shitty group to belong to.

These last few months have given me hope and strength and joy and love.

When I cried so often that the tears just dried up Kenn sent me emails that made me believe in goodness and I softened and stopped wishing plagues upon the nurses. It amazes me how much those letters touched my life. There are two currently in my purse.

And when the bedsores festered the outrage you all expressed along with me was like a life raft to sanity.

Because no one else could see it all as being wrong and bad.

And in 2007 I'm emerging from a lifetime punctuated in black and white and for the first time ever I'm seeing it in shades of gray. Not everyone is good or bad, many of us (myself included) are both. This is strange for me and new.

When I walked the hallways of Cedars Sinai and demanded that they provide adequate care for a man I loved my husband would remind me on my way out that "A Pissed Off Housewife is most dangerous animal on the planet. You have time and resources to get the job done."

*curtsy*

And here I am. The Pissed Off Housewife, who really isn't all that angry anymore but I assure you it's not because I've accepted defeat.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is a lot of stuff to deal with. Indeed aids comes to people and it doesn't have a preference for people that are considered good or bad people.

Blogging and calling it pissed off housewife must have saved you from getting insane. Life is not fair sometimes and it stinks and you want to yell at it.

I can be happy with you and for you that it got you into seeing shades of grey. Let me know when you begin to see "colors". That will be even more exciting.

Thank you for sharing this post and the 249 other posts. I read about 70 of them by now. Good reads, and as I said to you before your anger is strong and so is your blog.

Life As I Know It said...

Sometimes you have to be angry in order to create change...either in the world or yourself. Sometimes anger is a good thing. Without it you wouldn't have this blogging space and, as a result, touch other lives.

Keep writing!

Anonymous said...

((My dear POH)):

Congrats on 250 posts!

Your anger, the particulars of some of which I share as if we were sitting under a tree together just ranting against life, is occasionally red - not black, white, nor gray. Anger, long something we "shouldn't" show in public, has more than once saved me from I don't know what - at the very least, I would guess, an imploding heart attack. I am always on the look-out for healthy ways to express it, whether it is screaming at the top of my lungs under water or tearing up an old telephone book. It’s okay to be angry, I assure myself, so long as it doesn’t define me.

Sorry I haven't been reading or posting the past few days. I think I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to hide from my pain. Some people, who caught wind that Craig was injured April 24, are still catching up on the news that he died May 9 – and, lucky me, I am the messenger. I wish more people would google.

Just reading the dates – April 24 and May 9 – baffles me. How could, what, 15 days seem like such a long time period of raw emotion and uncertainty and, now, (after the rituals of mourning from May 9 – 15) seem like such both a short and long time ago? And how, oh how, could anyone be expected to suck it up and go back to work, school or whatever after just three or four days of “compassionate leave”? I’m not even working and I don’t feel as if I’ve had enough compassionate leave!

Poor Claude has been plugging away at moving into theirhis new condo, packing, cleaning, renovating, dealing with legal issues of jointsingle ownership. Thank goodness he is on leave from work, though hardly “compassionate” with a percentage of his salary being withheld by ever-impoverished insurers. I am sure, once he flops into his favourite chair in the new place, many tears will flow. I’m weeping just thinking about it.

As we try to comfort ourselves with thoughts that Craig might very well have died long before now, from either AIDS-related or heart conditions, such thoughts remind me of the warning I read last night as I was about to apply a medicated patch to a sore rib: “Do not apply to wounds or open skin.”

Pissed OFF Housewife said...

"This is a lot of stuff to deal with. Indeed aids comes to people and it doesn't have a preference for people that are considered good or bad people."

Oh, you've completely misread my post! I came of age in the 80's a half a mile from WeHo I've never had the sorry mistake of thinking AIDS came to bad people. The bad people (for me) have been the religious right who have so persecuted the gay and AIDS community that I believe their intolerance has a direct correlation with the spread of AIDS.

I struggle to not hate them but I'd be a liar if I said I'd tried very hard.

And Kenn.

No words, there are no words.

Time does not heal all wounds and there really hasn't been much time.

Pissed OFF Housewife said...

Life as I know it....

many thanks

Anonymous said...

yes, misread completely. Still not fluent in English...

Anonymous said...

i m sending u my love and my prayers

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