Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Cancer and Mouring and Mothering

I miss my husband. He's been gone for over a week now.

He needs to visit his mother who is 7 days into her chemo now and likely feeling ill.

He makes me feel safe and smart and needed and whole. I hope I do the same for him. This is a scary time and I'm still feeling the sting of Steven so I'm definitely over emotional.

After I dropped Adam off at school today I pulled over the car and cried.

Not a little cry.

The kind of crying that gives your stomach a workout, the kind where you stop breathing for a moment and you think you might die but if you don't cry you won't know that you're alive.

Today I cried a lot.

Then I went home, washed my face and called Mrs. D because she always has something to say and she always makes me laugh.

Last night I went to the trunk of Hubby's car and found a bag of Steven's clothing. It's not the right thing to do but I'm keeping it. It's mine.

My father in scuba diving alone in Mexico. The risk he is taking is ridiculous but I guess he needs to live his life as he sees fit.

My husband is 3,000 miles away with his mother who is trying to beat her lymphoma.

I drove my children to school this morning and listened to their discussions with delight. I could see the smiles in their eyes through the rear view mirror.

When Adam and Eve smile the world stops for a moment. They are so pure and whole and joyous that you really do think you're in Eden. Sometimes if you're lucky you'll get a giggle, or a tandem giggle, it's like the birds singing in the morning.

If this sounds like a love letter to my family, that's because it is. All of my days and nights are about giving and loving and living with and for them.

So I shake and cry because I know that my children, those two souls that G-d has let me borrow for this lifetime, those sweet angels are at a precariously high risk of having a blood borne cancer.

I'm terrified.

I squeeze a tiny bit of control back when I run and raise money for LLS. I'm marathoning right now because I've never been so desperate in my life to have a disease cured.

Usually this all doesn't bother me but today I'm sad. I'm profoundly sad and lonely and frightened, sometimes the fundraising makes me feel better, more in control. I'll take a long run in about an hour. That will surely help.


Anonymous said...

i am so sorry u feel sooo sad. i love you and you can cry to me anytime. you were one of the dearest and strongest people around me when my world crashed down around me when mom died and i was nursing an infant outside the ICU. you came without me calling or asking...and you bought diapers and took care of my baby so i could say goodbye reluctantly to my best friend in the world. the fact you are truly crying and letting out your feelings is so healthy and would not be human if you didn't. your normal clocklike world has been shaken up and it feels scary...
i am sure you already do, but remember to thank G-d your HH isn't the one battling the disease and that unlike my cousin's 3 year old who has cancer which is incurable is not your plight. i know it doesn't take away your pain or reality...because you lost a dear, dear friend which is still fresh and painful. plus... you and HH have 2 ill parents, which is not only scary but makes one think of when other parents may get ill (which is my problem since mom anf gram died). but try to continue your fundraising with vim and are diligent and resourceful and i know you are helping the cause. your dad has fought statistics and thank G-d for that. when i talked to a friend recently who has battled breast cancer in her early 40's i asked her if she was afraid of having it return...her answer woke me right. she answered..."no...i don't worry about myself now...i worry about my child dying" her child has cystic fibrosis. this is not a post to take ANY RIGHT away from your feelings. i feel sorry for myself about losing my mom and cry gram's unveling is this sunday...and i will have to stare at my mother's grave rather than have her with me to help me and dad through gram's loss. BUT i remind myself they had the blessing of being grown ups and having kids, and grandkids...and then i look at my cousin and think i am blessed.
i love me if u wanna cry, talk or giggle. and if u believe in the power of antibiotics (for my strep) you are welcome to come over and get a chocolate chip cookie, some cofee and a GIANT HUG!
love you always...mrs. d

Carrying Contraption said...

Keeping hope alive isn't easy but in the end, that's all we have. I'll pray for your family. Keep up the good fight.

mrs. d said...

thanks to everyone who said they want me to start a blog per housewife's suggestion. so, with housewife's encouragement...I DID! check it out...
housewife has it posted on her "sites worth visiting"
thanks housewife...and hope you are feeling better and cozy at home with your angels.
xoxo mrs. d

jbmmommy said...

I'm sorry to hear about all that you've been through recently. I've done 2 events for LLS and when I'm able to fundraise for another I look forward to supporting the very worthy cause again. It is so scary to bring our kids into this world when so many scary things can happen to them. But you bring so much good to their lives, too, they're going to be well equipped to face whatever life brings. Take care.

Rosie said...

I'm so so sorry this disease has hit your family so hard. I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was in my very early 20's.


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