I'll Tell You Why I'm Pissed

If you've been reading much you'd see that I'm not really all that Pissed Off.

So what is the origin of the Pissed Off Housewife?

AIDS

AIDS pissed me off.

In October of 2006 I realized that my beloved Steven was on his way out. I spent October and November in a rage, sometimes a blind rage and I was desperate to not raise my children in a home filled with anger.

Hiding the rage seemed so important to me.

And Blogging was a good outlet. It never occurred to me that I'd have actual readers, I just wanted to scream about neglect and bouncing and bedsores. I wanted to remind G-d that we still don't have a cure for AIDS and ask why has he forgotten us?

But I now realize that he's never forgotten me and Steven is lovingly wrapped in his arms.

During the slow and agonizing loss of Steven my Mother In Law was diagnosed with Lymphoma, she received the same treatment that my Father had just a few years before.

The Cancer Club. It's a shitty group to belong to.

These last few months have given me hope and strength and joy and love.

When I cried so often that the tears just dried up Kenn sent me emails that made me believe in goodness and I softened and stopped wishing plagues upon the nurses. It amazes me how much those letters touched my life. There are two currently in my purse.

And when the bedsores festered the outrage you all expressed along with me was like a life raft to sanity.

Because no one else could see it all as being wrong and bad.

And in 2007 I'm emerging from a lifetime punctuated in black and white and for the first time ever I'm seeing it in shades of gray. Not everyone is good or bad, many of us (myself included) are both. This is strange for me and new.

When I walked the hallways of Cedars Sinai and demanded that they provide adequate care for a man I loved my husband would remind me on my way out that "A Pissed Off Housewife is most dangerous animal on the planet. You have time and resources to get the job done."

*curtsy*

And here I am. The Pissed Off Housewife, who really isn't all that angry anymore but I assure you it's not because I've accepted defeat.